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Thursday, July 28, 2005
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shes_a_sprite @ 1:29 PM.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005 Fuel gauges of today! ISN'T THAT THE TRUTH! Well I better get on the stick! Blog ya later! shes_a_sprite @ 5:16 PM.
Sunday, July 17, 2005 shes_a_sprite @ 8:32 PM.
Oh I do hope you have a great time during your time to rest on the beaches or out on the city. Friday, July 15, 2005 I am going through some weird psychologically progressive stage right now. I have been in this reflective mood for the last several weeks, well okay, months might be more like it. I have mentioned it before, like there was something lying at the edge of my consciousness, but I just can't grasp it. Well, I think I have shed some light on it. Have you ever felt disconnected from everyone and everything? Like life was happening, all around you, but you were just not living it. Going through all the right motions, but lacking something... For instance, you get up every morning, eat breakfast, but you do not taste it. I have been feeling like this as of lately. Sometimes, I think that when I am talking, people just don’t hear me. I do not know if it is because they do not want to listen, or if it is that I am saying the wrong words. When people look at me, sometimes I feel like I am transparent, and they just see right through, and do not see me at all. I fell off the nonsmokers wagon, but I plan on getting right back on it. I am seriously working towards bettering myself. Eating healthier, trying to quit smoking, and I am trying to work on some of my history issues as well. But sometimes I just don’t know how to go about working through them. With all this weighing on my mind (I am about to bear some soul here people) I worked up the courage to call my childhood psychologist. The one who helped bring all this to light, and get me out of there. (Little did we know that where I was headed was no better... but that is a different story.) I have kept a bracelet and ring that she gave me 18 years ago. It was hers when she was young, (she thought she was unable to have children,) so she passed it along to me. Well I found out that she did in fact have one daughter, who is 15 now. I wanted her to have it to pass to her children and grandchildren. Anyways, we met for dinner, and I filled her in on a nutshell of Life at my father's house, and all the steps between there and here. And though we did not go into depth, it felt good to talk about it, knowing she was not going to judge me. Not going to fault me for talking about the past. It is like it has been this hush, hush secret all these years, and no one is supposed to know. So you bottle it all up, until if festers to a point that it has done more damage. It made me feel good, that she wanted my father's address so that she could write him a few choice words. I have repressed a lot of what happened before my father's house, and I know this. She has offered to let me come and read my file. They will purge it at the end of this year (5 years after the child turns 18 when it is a case that goes through court,) so I may even be able to keep it. I think this might help get to that fuzz at the edge of my consciousness that I keep mentioning. It is going to take some preparation, but I need to know. She also told me that I should write a book, saying that there are three types of people, "those that have it easy, those that hit a bump, and those that have it really hard, and you kiddo are that third type of person." I felt so vindicated, at this. I feel guilty sometimes for even thinking about what has happened, let alone talking to someone about it. Other than the fact my grandmother told me never to tell anyone our business, meaning "keep your mouth shut kid," I really can't explain why, There is this unspoken understanding that if you don't talk about it you can pretend it never happened. Well "it" happens to be the first 17 years of my life, so I can't pretend that "it" never happened. And "it" hasn't been exactly cake since then either. But yet this is what I do, go on as if everything was okay. I have never really dealt with it, any of it, and the therapist confirmed this theory as well. Slowly but surely over the last several months, I have started to try to work through some of it. Calling her, writing some of it down to share, anything to make the nightmares stop. Somehow, I feel like this history, my history, isolates me from everyone else. I have found that it is always easier to talk about in third person too, like this history instead of my history, funny how you disassociate yourself like that. I did not even realize that I do it, until I read the last nightmare that I wrote. It said "a four year old girl" instead of me. So that is where my head is at lately, trying desperately to make since of things, so I can deal with them and move on once and for all. I think I have come a long way. I have a home that I am comfortable in, be it an apartment, it is still home~ there is a big difference between a home and a house, and I have a home! I have a nice vehicle, nice things, good grades, good friends, and Draco. If I could just heal on the inside, I would be all around balanced. My biology test, (another of those steps that was just like going through the motions) was awful! I studied my ass off with Ruth, and on my own, and I still did not walk out of there with that "I aced it" feeling. I have set high standards for myself in school. I have made it my light at the end of the tunnel. This biology class is throwing that light all out of focus! SO aggravating! But I will continue, chin tucked until I pull my GPA back as close to 4.0 as I can get it! Good news: I am very excited about this upcoming week. I am going with Larry to the CJIS conference in Daytona beach, for three days, we leave Monday, and get back Thursday night. They have a whole track just on records. Work is paying for everything, and paying me for to go. It is an actual serious training, and I get to go! I think it may be just the break in the monotonous routine that I need. Totally stoked. T-10 days till the new laptop arrives. (Not that I am counting or anything) Good quote: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breaths away. (Will Smith Hitch) shes_a_sprite @ 9:52 PM.
I found your blog through "I'm Patrick" Well theres no need to be sorry for posting what you wanted on your blog.Pain is what keeps us going sometimes. No matter how deep and hurtful, and its good I suppose to talk it over and even if its not healed right away its being chipped away one moment at a time. Healing a heart is like glueing broken glass together or returning ashes back to form, its never healed completely back to normal but it is in its new form for a new start in eternity. Thursday, July 14, 2005 shes_a_sprite @ 8:58 AM.
The mind does work strangely. First thought- You're so cruel! Second thought- I've got to print that for my daughter... cheap X-Mas this year! Saturday, July 09, 2005 shes_a_sprite @ 1:59 AM.
I like the new look.Looks Great! Yeah! Friday, July 08, 2005 shes_a_sprite @ 12:44 PM.
Hello Wednesday, July 06, 2005 I bought three pounds of gummy worms on Friday, left them in my drawer at work, and came back to like 12 gummy worms. Not so bad if they were not so damned expensive, and there is just the principle, that someone went rooting through my drawer and then failed to show some sort of self restraint, the failed to replace the worms. I mean a few people are allowed in my stash, and one was not working, and the other is not a glutton. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! I had a really good weekend. The 2nd of July went well for our little town shindig, worked 11.5 hours on my day off, but eh, that is every year. Then on Monday we had our annual family reunion (that we skipped last year for the first time in my 25 years… so I was relieved that we had it) then afterwards, we went to my aunt Elsie’s. I always have enjoyed going to Aunt Elsie’s. It always means, good food, good company, and good times. This is like the only family function that I look forward to. Family just scares me, and for very good reasons, but even as a kid, I loved going to Aunt Elsie’s. Always came back filthy and covered with mosquito bites, this time was no different, but I never mind the dirt or itches that go with that! Looking back on this, I know that it was partially due to the fact that I knew my best pal would be up there, to lead the way to the dirt. I think the other part of this is that I envy the normalcy of that branch of my family, just show up as is, and you are welcomed with open arms. No judgment cast, no expectations to live up to. All in all, it was a good family event. We had some hot dogs, and watched some movies, and shot off bottle rockets and fire crackers until dark. Then when it got good and dark Larry, his youngest brother who is 17, and I got to handle the pyrotechnics (hence the soot from head to toe) what fun that was, still can’t feel my thumb (lighter striking and fuse burns.) No body was drunk or belligerent, there was no family drama, my rather unfortunate childhood was not dredged up, no one ragged on anyone…. It was just a pleasant evening! Mood: trying to figure out what mood I am in right now is hard – shes_a_sprite @ 5:48 PM.
Mmmmm.. Gummy Worms! Thoses BASTARDS!!
I need some proto slow
Remember back in high school biology, when you got to look at amebas under the microscope, and you had to put in this solution called proto slow to actually see anything?
Well, I think I need some, cause damn if life has not been hectic lately. But I digress...
The CJIS conference was great. Three days spent learning useful material, on Daytona Beach, while lodging at the Ocean walk Hilton! (photos soon to follow) I tell you what I came away from that with great information! So I get back, and work has piled high in my abscence, and school work is backed up, so it is hurry hurry hurry to catch up! Whew~
While we were there we got to eat at Bubba Gump shrimping co. and it was great, Mia Tai Bar, it was great, and Adobe Gila which was not bad! I only got to hit the beach for about an hour one afternoon, but we did walk the beach one evening, and I played sand volleyball (against Larry's advice... constant voice of reason "I can think of three reasons... your knee, hip and back.") I was slightly buzzing from the Jenny's cosmic trip (well okay two Jenny's cosmic trips and the Greenbow Calypso) that I had, and didn't much feel any pain. I had fun, but I was indeed soar the next day. (chalk mark for Lar)
I am taking this really cool seaweed class next semester. It is an instructor invitation class only, and he invited both myself and my study pal Ruth. I am excited, as it is only for half of the semester on Saturdays and we go to the beach (actually different beaches) on boats to collect seaweed. It counts as a lab credit. Sounds right up my alley, ocean, snorkling, swimming, boating. I can look at seaweed for those rewards.
As far as my biology class is concerned, well it is still kicking my butt. I am trying to stay on top of the reading, and Ruth and I are studying tomorrow. And probably this weekend too. Oh speaking of weekends... wow did I have a good one! After getting back from the conference, I worked really late on Friday. But Saturday night I drug Larry, to meet Ruth and her boyfriend Andy. We played pool and drank a little, then went back to my house and played spades till 0500. Man I love to play cards. I am not talking like poker for money, but just friends playing cards.
I found an really awesome sight, if you have a friend on aim, it is a prank. It simulates a 10 minute chat with them. You get to type the first line, and the cyberbot does the rest. at the end, it tells them you just got pranked! Ruth had me going with it man! 
Just a Sunday Update
Oh, oh I have a link for Larry and Bonnie! It is too cute!
LINK: Looking for my Leopard
Isn't that great?
I have been meaning to do this for a while, but lacking a digital camera I have put it off. I still don't have a digital, but I do have a camera phone so please excuse the crappy quality. A while back I informed yall that we planted a couple of planter boxes and got some tikki tourches. Well here they are folks, strait from my pourch to you!
Okay first we have the planter box on the left....
And the one on the right...
An overview of the tikkis
And a close up of my personal favorite, the Clown Flowers.
I am totally stoked that I have not killed these plants yet. I have like the black tumb or something. My mom, and Great Grandmother have and had green thumbs, my Mema and I don't so I am thinking it must skip a generation or something. Do you think it could be genetic?
Okay so I am totally stoked! I leave tomorrow at 1500 to go to Daytona Beach for a three day conference. I think I may have mentioned it in my last post, but I forgot to mention where it was to be held, and where we happen to be staying.... *drum roll please*
This just so happens to be the Hilton Daytona Beach/ Ocean Walk Village... Oh yeah, and that is the beach. Man did I luck out! This is my first away training, and wow I could not have picked a better place. I won't probably have time to update, as we are in class all day, and I imagine on the beach or out on the town at night! Look out daytona, Here we come! Oh, Not only do I get to go to this glorious place, but my bestest friend is going too. He happens to be our Network administrator (for those of you who don't already know,) and he has gone for like the last five years. So I will be with someone who knows the ropes, and I'll have some one to hang with in the evenings.
So now that I am done rubbing that in... lets see what else is there, oh I found a totally funny picture while browsing the internet today... When ever they come up with something like that, I am buying one. Who knows I might find a relationship that lasts....
I am really digging this new photo option on the blog. I use the hell out of it!
I have had a pretty relaxing day, slept really late, made a pretty good lunch I(well good for a college student.) Did a ton of laundry as our air was dead last weekend, and we did not want to run the dryer. Packed, and played Return to Arms, ugh. I seem to be stuck in this game. There are so many bonus levels to play and when you beat them it unlocks a bonus round. Well I am stuck on like four of them. How aggravating this can be! Then I baked some blue berry muffins, which brings us to now. I am about out of things to update about, but I did not want to leave without saying good bye, and take care, blog ya later people! I will try to check in next week, though no promises!
Oprayearth said...
See ya soon.
-op
Warning: Deep post ahead
Unknown said...
Wow, thank you for sharing that and for going deep, I think it's great that you can do that.
I gave up smoking, it was difficult, it took me 2 attempts before I worried about my health and just made myself stop.
I think people can sometimes treat others like they are invisible, I feel like this at times too, who knows what it is!
I dont know what happened at your fathers house, but whatever it is, don't feel guilty, as children we only know what our parents teach us, what they do to us or tell us is their choice, what we learn is because of them, it's their responsibility to keep the home safe, loving and a comfortable place where we can feel warm and well. If you didnt feel like this, then it's certainly not your fault, and you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Well here I am rambling on, take care Oprayearth said...
Take Care of Yourself Heather!
Always here for you.
.:Dusk to Dawn there is no difference in their beauty:. -Op
Insert Title Here
Leave it to me to change my blog, without really changing much at all. I did not eve realize the similarities unitl after I changed it. Look, just look. Clouds, angel, same position, facing the same way, head tilted, hair down... Wow, you have just got to love how the subconscious mind works... and this is why I am going into psychology. It is just so very interesting to me... To me it is like uncharted territory, I mean the mind is fascinating!
Well in other news, I had a pretty rough day Monday. I was having a really bad back day, left work a half hour early it was so painful. I got home, and knowing I have a really big test on Friday, that I have to do well on, I began to outline chapter 10. Three hours (and a whole lot of pain) later, I get up to make dinner, making sure to save first, and I come back to a locked up laptop. I lost everything. I was soooo frusterated.
SO, I can look at this two ways, I got shit on... wasted all that time, sitting there in pain, which sucks. OR, I can look at it this way: I am buying a new laptop. And not just any laptop, *Dramatic Pause * I am getting a Fujitsu LifeBook T4000 Tablet PC...
Go ahead and drool! I am so excited. I also went ahead and bought the Office upgrade cause the one I have is old so that is exciting too. anyways long story short - my old Dell inspiron is freezing up, and you can hear it thinking, and the screen will flicker like it is trying to come on, but to no avail~ then all is lost, bad words are shouted, blood pressure goes up ~ I am talking the whole nine yards here... so I bought a good one this time. This puppy is costing me 1/4 of what my car costed... (ouch) (okay, well ouch for me, I bought a used Saturn, but I love it) but it should last me the rest of the way through school, or at least till I get to my PHD.
Larry (thank you) picked it out for me, as I had no idea what to look for, and he knows everything there is to know about computers. He compiled a packet of choices, and I fell in love with the tablet models. If he so wishes he can tinker around and rebuild my old one, if not, I am just boing to use it for playing on the internet, blogging, poetry sites, gaming, and whatever else you do on the internet... and save my good one for school. This should cut down on the hours I put on it, and perhaps extend its life some!
In other news: HUGE test tomorrow, I think I am pretty good, will study my ass off tonight! I already have the tension feeling in my tummy... I think it is called nervous stomach.
Work ~ everyone is very touchy lately, must be something in the water. Also it is a very busy month for us. UCR, special events, mayors report, hurricanes ... enough to make you go mad!
I am about to just smile and nod at everyone, because not matter what you say someone is snapping at you. So ya, smile and nod, agree with everyone, and no one can get pissy!
Love life: None ~ what else is new... no time to devote to a relationship.
I met this one chick in class, and she is pretty cool. We have been studying together alot lately, think she might be cool to hang out with too!
Humor: for your veiwing pleasure ~
Poor kid, that is so mean, but it's funny!!!!
Well fellow bloggers, that is about all I have got for now. Blog ya later ~
Oprayearth said...
And in other things yay to getting a new laptop!
The picture of the kid is very interesting in some cruel way but funny none the less to me.
Take Care!
said...
Like the new look.
MBT
SITE UNDER CONSTRUCTION
Hey people, I am going for a new look. Bear with me while Larry and I get the kinks worked out of the comments.
I used a skeleton of a skin I found on Blogskins.com (cause I am not that good at code yet, this is only my second attempt,) and changed all kinds of stuff. The angle image was a cheesy anime pic, so I surfed Diviant art, and found this one, modified it a bit in paint, and vwa la! Yeah!!!
(I say this in a no big deal tone of voice, but it actually took me hours, so be impressed!)
I was a bit tired of how dark my last one was. Hopefully I will have comments up and running tomorrow! Blog ya later...
Oprayearth said...
Larry said...
New colors!
Looks good, comments work ok.. still haven't figured out of the blogger code.
A well rounded post...
My feeble attempt at politics (spiced of course with some humor)
My Feeble attempt at some humor: 
Leave it to Canada!
Yeah I am that blonde sometimes!
And I wonder what the female version of this would
look like?
Larry said...
Gummy worms
Larry said...
Yeah! Fireworks. That was fun. I am glad I wasn't the only one burning my fingers when the fuses lit.
I can't help you much with the poetry thing. I am not even a member. But, I am sure that the stuff you are writing is not shite, just from what I have read!
About me
Name : Heather
Age : 25
School : UF
Location: Gainesville, FL
About Me:
Just a woman trying to find her way.
These are the innermost thoughts of me,
who am I? Just read and see.
If I stir in you, any emotion at all,
then I have reached my goal.
Forever me...
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That sounds cool-I'll be sure to look out for that sometime in August. Glad Your Back!
-op
2:48 PM
Space is amazing, it puts it all into perspective and I still find myself in awe every time I think about it.
Thanks for the heads up. :)
1:36 AM
Just a word to the wise... I received an e-mail regarding this and checked Snopes.com. Snopes is a site that refutes urban legends on the net. Anyhow, this posting is not quite accurate, or at least it is outdated. Go read the entry at http://www.snopes.com/science/mars.asp
if you want details.
Gorgeous photo though!
MBT
5:03 PM
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